One difference I have noticed between His Majesty’s Britons and the citizens of the United Kingdom is the alarming lack of self-reliance. Since the commencement of the dialogue between our two nations, I have been bombarded with inane, irritating and impertinent queries of all kinds. I have published here my responses to the most commonly recurring, in the hope of stemming the tide somewhat.
How do I apply for joint citizenship?
This really does show an uncommon lack of perception. There are instructions on just how to go about this on the right hand side of this very page.
How do I format my tweets?
It couldn’t be simpler. Follow this template:
@WiredUK answer #taskhashtag #teamhashtag
So, to complete task “cucumber” with the answer “cold” and as a member of team “green”, you would send the following:
@WiredUK cold #cucumber #green
Remember, use of teams is strictly optional, but we cannot guarantee you will not be judged on your teamwork.
Can I play if I have protected my tweets?
Unfortunately, our cognition engine is unable to read your mind. As such, unless we can read your tweets, it cannot score your tweets.
Surely people can just cheat by retweeting others’ answers?!
Such ungentlemanly conduct is, regrettably, possible. However, it is far from beneficial. Preference is given to those applicants who are first to complete our tasks, many of which are moderated - preventing this dastardly behaviour. Finally, the award for best applicant will be allocated to the winner of a tie-breaking round; cheating at this stage will merely postpone your humiliation by more qualified applicants. Such wanton avarice is shameful.
Why do you speak so funny?
I do not ask you to justify your colonial-influenced jabbering, and so I will not dignify this with a response.
Something is broken <exclamation mark> It’s not fair <exclamation mark> <exclamation mark> <one> <one> <one> <question mark> ETC <pound sign>
It took my emergency neurosurgeon almost seven hours of trepanning to rid me of my migraines, and I will not allow you to force their recurrence. Please direct your shrill whining to my colleagues at the Department of Complaints, Compliance and Competence.
I have no more patience for this. It’s time for my eleven o’clock sherry.
